Understanding Love
Prayer
What I have come to realize after being divorced for many years, is my ex-husband and I did not share the same core values. For him, the ideal marriage was keeping a wife “barefoot and pregnant;” to use an old phrase. During our relationship before we were married this deeply embedded ideal, passed down from generations of men in his family, never surfaced. I’m not sure if I would have even felt differently about him or his family had it come to light. We were both way too young to even think about getting married at the time -18 and 19 years old. Of course at that age no one would have been able to convince us otherwise, we were no different than young people today who think they have all the answers.
The marriage didn’t last more than two years. All the love making, humor, communication, or material comforts of our home could not mask the fact we were two souls with differing values and goals in life. I didn’t love him any less for being who he was then however, I didn’t like what he was doing to me emotionally. He bascially tried everything in his power to stifle and control my spirit. And you know what? I believe this was not purposeful, but resulted from the mindset of his male role models; it is just who he was.
I have since given a nickname for men like my ex-husband —I call them the “Ephesian Man.” These are the Bible toting men (and women) who read what the Apostle Paul tells the people of Ephesis (Ephesians 5:22-24) about what the Lord requires of husbands and wives, and they take it completely out of context.
The passage from Ephesians: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
The entire passage goes further as Paul tells husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved and gave his life for the church. Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself -after all, no one ever hated his own body. He feeds and cares for it just as Christ feeds and cares for the church. We are members of God’s body. When a man loves his wife he leaves his father and mother, unites to his wife, and the two through the marriage covenant, become one flesh.
Would I become involved with him or someone like him again? The answer is a definitive no. After years of learning and discerning in my faith walk I now know what a loving relationship looks like.
As humans, both male and female, we have the same needs: love (intimacy), support, compassion, affirmation, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness, and security.
One of the poems in my book Amani na Mapenzi: Love & Peace is titled Making Love. The poem reflects upon the fact that in relationships we are constantly making love (spiritual, Agape, and a lover’s love).
Here is an excerpt…
Love is love.
Or is it God
Is it with God
Can it exist without God?
Self love is love.
Or is it God
Is it with God
Can it exist without God?
Being in love is love.
Or is it God
Is it with God
Can it exist without God?
Making love is love.
Or is it God
Is it with God
Can it exist without God?
When I think about love in its truest form I think of God. He loves us so much he gives us the gifts of Agape love, being in love and making love. To be in love is human…to make love is human…to be human is to be in the image of God. To make love I must be in love; to be in love I must love myself.
© 2008 Sharon Moore Stenhouse – All Rights Reserved
