Disappointing Expectations
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” (Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)
Disappointment
It doesn’t matter how positive we are in our faith walk or how careful we are in seeking truth, we will experience grief, suffering, pain, fear, and anxiety, for they are part of life. Disappointment is the price we pay for the privilege of sharing in the joys of life. The longer we live the more disappointments we will encounter. It is through the process of maturing in our faith that enables us to discern the root causes of whatever it is that disappoints us.
Friends and Relationships
Human nature is what makes us look inward toward ourselves when we should be looking outward, and to look outward when we should be looking inward. Situations will sometimes arise which make us feel that we are the cause. A prime example is children who feel guilty when parents separate and/or divorce. The children somehow internalize the inability of their parents to coexist as being their fault, which causes them to become depressed or rebellious in their attempt to fix the problem when in fact they had nothing to do with the outcome.
When we become disappointed in friends or relationships that don’t live up to our expectations, we are guilty of reverse vision. We look outward (at the friends) instead of looking inward (at ourselves). We allow ourselves to become so caught up in our own expectations that we forget it takes two different people, with two different sets of expectations to create the relationship. Then we tend to turn on ourselves by the failure of these relationships because we failed to make an assessment in the beginning or take notice of the other’s expectations as they evolved. We also tend to set the standards or expectations in our relationships higher than those we place on ourselves, setting the stage for our own weaknesses to surface and not allowing us to accept the weaknesses of others.
Belief in Core Values and Mores
I am a firm believer of the old adage that in order for people to succeed in relationships -whether as friends, husbands and wives, or business partners, they should have the same core values and mores (traditions). Christians call this being equally yoked. Galatians 5:1 (KJV) tells us “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Verses 13-15 (NIV) go on to say, “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”
People need to have much more in common rather than being total opposites in order to coexist in each other’s lives. As humans however, we are often attracted to or curious about the unknown. A perfect example is the young woman (and man) who is attracted to the brazen, thug mentality we often find in books, movies, music and life. If a relationship formed by this attraction works, it is because there is an underlying element of exacting core values. Sometimes they may appear to be a little rough on the edges but the values are still there. Often though, in a state of immaturity we believe that we can mold opposites to fit our expectations and this can lead to disappointment.
Disappointing expectations can be considered an oxymoron. It is a contradiction or a paradox because when disappointing expectations is said together the words seem to mean the opposite. Similar phrases would be “act naturally,” “found missing,” “fresh frozen,” or “jumbo shrimp.” A spiritual oxymoron might be referring to oneself as an “impatient Christian.”
God gave us the blueprint to seek what we need in all relationships. The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV) that the Fruit of the Spirit is composed of nine values; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Patience is the Fruit of the Spirit that many of us have difficulty with, especially in relationships. We often ask the lord for everything but patience. He allows us to go after what we want, whether we need it or not…even the friends and relationships we choose. When situations disappoint us, we forget that the Lord asks us to be patient and to have faith. Remind yourself to tell yourself… “Please be patient with me, God is not through with me yet.”
When God Closes One Door, He Opens Another
When we learn to understand the difference between our wants and needs, and trust in the Lord, disappointments will disappear. The best advice for whenever relationships go awry is to analyze the situation, take away what we can learn and then move on. If we are constantly running into hurdles we need to step back and assess our life choices. More often than not we tend to go after or attract what we want instead of we need. Learning to realize our needs is one of the most difficult challenges of Christians, especially in the fast-paced world we live in. We often forget that God has given us the blueprint to discover those needs.
Remember there is no failure until we give up, so don’t! Live by His word and he will open other doors to fulfill our needs, while fighting our battles, as he guides our expectations and heals our disappointments.
© Sharon Moore Stenhouse – All Rights Reserved
